the picture i’m getting is that i am not able to fulfill any of your emotional or physical needs—i’m trying to say that in a fair way, not in a critical way, to acknowledge that maybe i used to but don’t anymore—and that my very presence and attempts to improve our life together are harmful to you. i think for all the great things you could say about your relationships, there’s nothing good left for me to offer you, nothing good to be said about what i’ve done for you, especially as i sucked you dry the past two years. i think i’ve intimidated, bullied, pushed and pulled you into this level of unhappiness, and i think you deserve better. i never meant to do those things: i always wanted the best for you and for us, and i always wanted a life with you. i still feel happy in your presence. i still miss you when we’re apart. seeing you, waking up next to you, those moments when we connect: those are still the best moments in my days. you still feel like home to me, like my other half.

i always wanted us to have these kinds of conversations, this level of openness. i recognize that i prevented that, especially through my mental illness, but i wanted it. i’m sorry for the way i drove us apart. i’m so, so, so sorry for the pain you’ve been in, and i’m sorry i didn’t know or do a better job of finding that out. i never wanted you to resent me like you do. i never wanted to make you submit to my demands. i always wanted us to be partners, i just wanted you to be more active about your wants and needs. i know i was severely fucked up for a very long time, but i did try to build toward this openness—i did always want to have your input, and that was my motivation in urging us towards couple’s counseling. i know i was also cruel and disrespectful and i belittled you, and that prevented you from being able to share your feelings with me or trust me.

i’m sorry. i feel so terrible that i don’t know where to go from here. i want you to have good things and happiness, and i think i can’t give them to you. i hate that, because i love you so much, and all i’ve ever wanted was to be the person who made you laugh and feel loved and safe. i’ve failed. i’m sorry.